Preparation For Birth

As you might have seen on my Facebook, Tony and I attended our birth classes this past weekend. We took a 2 day, 6 hour class (instead of the standard 6 week, 2 hour class). We took it at OHSU (where I'm currently receiving all my prenatal care and where I will be delivering the baby). Our teacher was really nice and informative. She laid everything out really well and the environment was comfortable for group discussions and questions. I was pretty familiar with a lot of the stuff we went over, seeing as how I've devoured tons of pregnancy books and articles. However, it went into more detail than I've had the chance of finding out, until now. Even though I was pretty aware of certain things, it didnt really hit home until I took this class. And I have to admit, I got very uncomfortable. I think up until now, I just figured I knew basically what was supposed to go on and everyone is different, so I hadnt let myself fully get into what the many different scenarios are of how mine could be like. Now I cant stop thinking about it. I've always been terrified of childbirth (despite wanting nothing more than to be a mom). I was nervous about it when I first started going to the doctor because everything was so new, but then I just got into the swing of things that it kind of went out of my mind to a certain extent. Now it's all come flooding back in. Oh joy.

We learned:

- All about how a totally natural childbirth would go (and can I say intense!) and what it would be like with the different pain medications and / or epidural.

- The fact that there will only be 2 anesthesiologists on the floor and if they're busy or doing another C-Section, it could take a while for them to get to you....which is great.

- What an induction would be like (and personally, I dont think I want to be induced if possible - holy uncomfortable!).

- The differences between babies who were born from an un-medicated birth and a medicated birth.

- How important breastfeeding is.

- What to pack for the hospital and what they provide there for patients and their partners.

- How important skin to skin time is with baby and mom or baby and dad.

- What a C-Section would be like and recovery.

- What a vaginal birth would be like and recovery.

- That's it better to stay at home for as long as possible before coming in to the hospital. 

- Delivery of the placenta.

- How the uterus contracts back down.

- Pretty much all the anatomical stuff and what it all looks like and everything the different parts do that are involved in the birth process.

- Bleeding after birth (and the freaking huge pads, ice packs, potential catheters, etc)

- A little bit of what's important after you are discharged from the hospital and alone at home with new baby.

- Maintaining intimacy in your relationship.

- Bonding with baby.

We also did a few exercises, like breathing techniques and group convos. And I also learned that not only can I be reimbursed for these classes we took (because we have insurance through the hospital) but that we can also get a nice electric breast pump for free as well! So that's good news.

I had scheduled us to take a tour of the hospital in August. However, our teacher took our group on it today so we wont have to go to the other one. This is where it hit me and hit me hard. As most of you know, I'm extremely uncomfortable and frankly terrified of hospitals. I just get really anxious and nervous in hospital settings; it doesnt matter if I'm there for myself (which is super rare) or for someone else, good or bad. It's just in general. Hence why I could never have a career in the medical field. I dont really know what to do to get over this fear but so far, whenever I have thought about childbirth, I guess I just assumed that I would be so consumed with what was going on at the time and what was happening with my body that I wouldnt even have time to be concerned about my surroundings to that extent. But today, I got so sick. We started touring and I was okay at first. Then we went into one of the rooms that we would be in for labor and delivery when the time came. While the room was nice (bed that transforms into many different positions, TV, DVD player, jacuzzi tubs, and all are private rooms), it still screamed, "HOSPITAL" to me. Baby will be kept with you at all times too, in their little glass warmer things (they dont even have a typical nursery) and they provide beds for your partner to stay the night as well. The Mother Baby Unit is similar, just a little more cozy - and nurses will come by to check on you and baby and lactation consultants (who are supposed to be really excellent at OHSU, by the way) will be helping you through the breastfeeding process. Food is also provided for you and your partner for free and it's supposedly really good. But even with all that, I couldnt help how I started to feel standing in there listening to our tour guide. I felt like the room was closing in on me - I could see all the medical instruments, the typical hospital colors (blue and white) everywhere, and there was a smell that I didnt quite care for. Seeing the tubes and catheters and needles and everything needed for labor, delivery, and recovery... Well, it just made me really nervous and dizzy. It became real to me then. On the way out, we passed a couple of newborn babies and for some reason, that scared the absolute crap out of me. While they were adorable, I started to question if I could do this. I mean, I know I kind of have to do this and I cant back out now, and I will get through it eventually one way or another, but in general, am I strong enough, both physically and emotionally / mentally??? God help me. I know it's just the effects of today - give me a few days and I'll be back to my old self. I just couldnt breathe in that hospital - I had to get out and take in some deep breaths of cold Oregon air. 

For those of you who want to tell me any of the follwing, please refrain from doing so:

- That it will all be worth it once I'm holding my baby girl in my arms.

- That I'm strong and can get through anything.

- That many women have done it before me - I'll be fine.

I understand all of that but I dont need to hear it. I'm positive that I will be totally in love with my baby and it will be all worth it. I know that I am strong and I've gotten through many tough times and tragedies in my life before this - I can get through this too. And that yes, if many many many women have lived through childbirth and been just fine, I'm sure I can and will be too. But I'm just being honest about my feelings here and now. That's it. Plain and simple. Just like when I was sick for 14 weeks and people told me it would get better and it would all be worth it at the end.... It's not what I really needed to hear, because despite the truth in that, it didnt matter during that time. While I was in it, it SUCKED. It was miserable and I couldnt see past the minute I was in. So please, please, understand where I'm coming from. As of right this second, I'm terrified. For a number of reasons. And I have to get through it on my own terms, not with what people tell me I should be doing and feeling. I'm not going to be a bad mother because of this. This is normal for some people. But this is me, being brutally honest. God give me the strength to not only get through everything okay (and most importantly, have a happy healthy baby) but to get through these next 10 weeks with a growing confidence that I will be able to handle all this and that my fears of the hospital are all in my mind.

I do thank you for all your prayers and thoughts and kind words throughout everything so far. 

And even in the face of all these fears, there is one feeling that I've been having above all else lately: I miss her. I miss my baby girl. I actually miss her. She's right here, right inside me (in fact, pressed up against my right side, making me super uncomfortable almost all the time), and yet, I miss her. I want to meet her. I cant wait to meet her. A part of me and a part of Tony. Together. How exciting is that?! Miss Anistynn, I love you so much already and I cant wait to get to know you in the real world. Once you're ready to come out, please come out quickly!! ;)

** We have another 1 day class we're taking next Saturday as well, so I'll report back on that: Breastfeeding and Newborn Care.