My grandparents have been going through some real rough patches lately. My grandpa is already going through such an emotional and physical upheaval with my grandma's diagnosis of Alzheimer's. I mean, we all are. But I cant even imagine what it's like to have a spouse start slowly losing their memories, and then gaining momentum suddenly like you wouldnt believe.
Since all this has been happening, my grandpa stands on solid ground when it comes to the idea of placing my grandma in a home: he wont do it. Plain and simple. I completely understand where he is coming from. Can you even begin to imagine having to do that to a loved one?? But in this case, I believe in my heart of hearts that doing this would be for her, not to her. You see, I've always been extremely close with both of my grandparents. My mom was adopted by them and quite frankly, I think God worked it out that way so that they could be my grandparents. They have always been there for, they have been two of my utmost best friends, they have supported me 110 % in all of my endeavors, and they have always set a great example for what a long term loving couple who is the epitome of teamwork should look like.
No one ever saw this coming. I mean, why my grandparents?? I know a lot of people say that about their loved ones, but seriously, mine?! They have both been through plenty in their lives including but not limited to: my grandpa screwing up both of his knees when a car hit him form behind on his motorcycle, resulting in him having to use a cane since that accident; my grandma having and surviving breast cancer (but ultimately ending up with a double mastectomy); losing their daughter (my mom) to a brain tumor; my grandma having open heart surgery; countless family and friend related deaths throughout the years; and numerous other surgeries between the both of them. Truly, they have been through enough in my opinion to deserve this as their ending. It. Is. Ridiculous. My grandma should not be forgetting all her memories, her tragedies, her successes, her moments, her friends and family, her life. No, no - they should be living to the highest possible age that they can and then passing away peacefully in their sleep with no pain, and with the knowledge of everyone who loves them on their minds and in their hearts. They should go out with knowing that they've made a difference in a lot of people's lives (especially my own), and how loved they are. My grandmother should not be on that brink where she eventually doesnt even know why she's even existing, to possibly not even knowing what death is.... no, no matter how scary death is, she should still be aware of everything going on in her life. It's just not fair. That is my blunt straightforward way of thinking.
My grandpa has been my grandma's caretaker since she has gotten to the point where she cant fully take care of her own basic needs. It has been hard on him, very hard. Not only emotionally and having to go through not being able to hear or understand her, or to ever here an "I love you", but also to clean up any of her messes, and take care of her in a way that a husband should never expect to take care of his wife (with her personal needs). Hard indeed. Granted, we have had some amazing people helping out at much as possible. I'd like to give David and Christie Vaca a special shout out, as they have been there every step of the way for my grandparents and I cannot thank them enough for all they have done. I'm so very grateful for people like that in my (and our) lives. But even after all their help, everything my grandpa is doing, hired help for a few hours every day to give my grandpa a rest, and me as well as any other family members helping out whenever we possibly can, it's still not enough. My grandma is now a 24 hour case. Just like my grandpa, it's hard to imagine putting my grandmother in some type of home. But I know that my grandpa cannot financially afford to keep hiring people to take care of her in their own home. I truly feel like if she were placed, she would be taken care of properly as it is their job to do so. As much as we care and love her, none of us are professionals or have lots of experience with this. I want to make sure that she is getting her basic needs taken care of, that she is eating and drinking enough, that she is taking her medications properly. With all of us in and out (because we all have responsibilities in our every day lives to attend to as well), it's hard to know that everything is covered with her. If she were placed, you bet we'd be visiting ALL the time. She would never be neglected in any way!! My grandparents never discussed what they would want if something like this were ever to happen and I know that is partially what my grandpa is struggling with. BUT I do know my grandma and I know in my heart that she wouldnt want this. She wouldnt want family members and friends struggling to juggle all the responsibilities, she wouldnt want us all exhausted and acting out at each other in the process of it, she wouldnt want grandpa neglecting himself and his health to take care of her, and she certainly wouldnt want me struggling with the internal debate of where I should be during certain times, with her (my life) or with my daughter (also my life). I think if she knew that we found her the best possible place we could that we know would take care of her, and that there would be lots of people to visit her often, that she would be okay with that. I truly believe that.
My grandpa had surgery not too long ago. He recovered from that fairly well and went back to work. He had been working from 4:30 AM - 10 AM 6 days a week for 15 years. He continued to do that up until his surgery. After he recovered, he was able to change his schedule to 11 AM - 3 PM 5 days a week so that someone could come and take care of Granny while he was at work. It was super hard to figure out the early morning hours before. Thing were chugging along (although exhausting) when one morning, my grandpa was making breakfast for my grandma. He stepped backward and tripped over the cat. He jammed his side on the counter and fell down on his shoulder on the ground. He was finally able to get himself up, pain shooting through him, and my uncle (his son) took him to the ER later that night. Turns out he had 4 fractured ribs. Well obviously he couldnt do anything about them but recuperate. He was in bad condition though. I havent seen him look so bad in quite a while. Needless to say, a lot of duties to care for my grandma got put on my uncle, Christie, Petri (the woman hired to help out), and myself, among others. A week later, my grandpa went in for a check up and found out he had Pneumonia. One thing on top of another. He was checked into the hospital and wasnt allowed to leave until it was gone. He was so emotional. He didnt like not being able to be with my grandma. The first few days he was there, he was begging the hospital staff to let him go. In fact, at one point, he almost walked out himself! Talk about stubborn, huh (hmmm, I wonder where I get it?). So anyway, eventually he realized that he needed to get better and regain some strength before he went home. So he stayed. Back at their house, my grandma became super depressed. I went over there to help her get ready for bed and she was just not aware of anything. She was laying on the bed. My uncle said that she had been either there or sitting in the chair for most of the day. She wasnt moving around much, not really walking anywhere, hardly eating, etc. I had just come from my visiting my grandpa at the hospital and he wanted me to tell her that he was thinking of her and that he loved her very much. I promised him I would. After struggling for almost 45 minutes WITH my uncle trying to get her dressed and ready for bed, we finally had her in her pajamas and ready to take her pills. She was pretty much dead weight the whole time so it was very hard for both of us. While my uncle went to go get her pills, I sat with her, holding her up. As soon as he left the room, she unexpectedly leaned over and kissed my cheek and gave me a look that I can only say meant that she knew who I was and she was grateful for me helping her out. Of course, tears streamed down my cheeks. A hint of my grandma popping out of nowhere. It was quite a change from when I first walked in, asked if she knew who I was, and she shook her head no. I took this opportunity to tell her what my grandpa had wanted me to pass on and she broke into a huge grin. It was there and then I decided that she probably was so lethargic because my grandpa wasnt there. That had to be at least part of it. We eventually got her settled into bed (but not without first having her chew on her pill instead of swallow it, refuse to take her other pills which were smashed up in her applesauce - she kept trying to drink it and not eat it - and then just situating her into bed, the two of us, was quite a feat). The next day, I was told she was being taken to the ER because of severe back pain.When she got there, she was dehydrated and they were looking into kidney problems. As far I know now, they didnt find anything too serious. But her and my grandpa ended up sharing a room (which was so great of the hospital) and it brought her spirits up immensely. When we went to visit on Friday, my grandpa had just had his chest tube out (he had one put in to drain fluids from his lung, I think) and they were just sitting in their room together. When I talked to my grandma, she was obviously more aware as she was talking louder than she has been in a while and a bit more clearer. She was making jokes, smiling, and just hanging out. She started to try to get up from her chair and my grandpa asked her what she wanted and she said, "You!" We all laughed. It was hilarious. She kept reaching out for his hand and holding onto it. It was so sweet. I mean, they've been married since they were 17 years old - that's 64 years now! It's got to be ingrained in her how much he means to her. She also said her name twice, which I havent heard her do in a long time. She doesnt really says names anymore, especially her own. She mentioned it once when she was telling me a story, something along the lines of, "Bill [my grandpa] said to me yesterday, 'Edith, where have you been?'" - that's all I could understand of it and I'm not sure if it was a real thing that happened but so be it. And then when a nurse came in to deliver her dinner she asked what her name was and my grandma replied, 'I'm Edith!" :) It was so good to see. It just reiterated the fact that I know my grandpa gives her more oomph and that once she wasnt dehydrated anymore, she was doing a lot better - just proof that I think if we had a professional attending to her 24 / 7, she would be in much better spirits. The greatest thing was my grandpa admitting that he wouldnt be able to take care of her for a while himself. He has been struggling with taking care of her and he never takes care of himself. He has diabetes and he was lacking on what he was supposed to do for it... it just wasnt good. It was awesome to hear that he realized it and I think this is a step in the right direction.
Anyway, I know this has been a long loooong blog but for those of you who have made it this far, thanks for reading. This is mainly to get it out of my system. I live for the little moments with my grandma right now. I dont know what the future holds and I dont ever like to thinking of my grandparents dying, but knowing that it will eventually be a reality, I can only hope that God's plan has a nice ending for my grandparents.
* This picture was taken in 2008 and it's one of my favorites <3
