Reality Is Starting To Hit....

First off, I'm going to state the fact that baby girl's health and happiness are always the most important factor and it's number one in my mind. However, I'm going to take a minute and talk about having a C - Section. Please dont comment on how I'll be fine, on how I shouldnt be worrying about it and her health is more important than worrying about myself, or that everything will be great and soon she'll be here and all the worrying was for nothing. I GET THIS. In fact, I'm truly trying my hardest to think only about that and not everything else. However, I do have my breakdown points and this is just one of them. It's only natural. So please dont judge me.

Since learning I'd be having a C - Section, I have neglected to watch any videos on C - Section births. I've seen plenty before and they never really disturbed me or freaked me out. However, now that I know I will be having one, it's hitting home harder. Today I received a weekly bulletin email from BabyCenter and the video of the week was A C - Section Birth. So I clicked on it. I watched the whole 5 minute video and halfway through, I was bawling my eyes out. I hate to say it, but I wasnt crying because the baby was healthy and the mom was just fine and the new family was so elated. I was crying because I suddenly became terrified. Of course, thinking about having major surgery is nerve wracking for anyone, but thinking about it and watching the details of it are different. Again, I had seen C - Sections performed plenty of times on tv before and I familiarized myself with what the surgery and recovery process would be like during my childbirth prep classes so that if I ended up having one for any reason, I would be at least somewhat prepared for what was about to happen. But now, I'm just effing freaked out. I know it's partly because of me never having had any kind of surgery before, let alone a recovery process to go through, and that I'm terrified of hospitals and it's really hard to control my anxiety whenever I'm there.... and maybe those are really the only reasons why I'm so scared.

Looking at it from a positive standpoint, I keep repeating these things to myself about why I shouldnt be so worried:

- C - Sections are performed all the time (on at least 30% of pregnant women now) and it's pretty dang safe.

- I wont have to go through a ton of labor or feel any pain (at least until recovery starts and I can probably have pain meds while that's going on).

- I know when it's going to happen so we have a little time to prepare and let it sink in as much as possible. Plus, the surgery from start to finish should last about an hour so it wont be so long (however, the part where they stitch you back up and whatnot takes about a half an hour or more, thus making it seem like forever before I can hold my baby, which makes me a bit sad). 

- I'm healthy, I dont have any pregnancy concerns with me or the baby (besides baby being in the breech position), I'm young, and recovery - although painful and requiring a longer hospital stay as well as 6 weeks of recovery at home where I cant lift anything heavier than my baby - should be normal and fine. 

- Tony gets to be in there with me.

- My doctor will be with me the whole time. 

- We get a baby girl from this!

I'm trying to focus on these points, but just like any normal human being, I have my moments and just get nervous / scared. After my moment of feeling anxious, I'm right back to thinking about baby girl and knowing that she is most important and the reason we are doing a C - Section in the first place is because it is the safest way with the least amount of risks. I just have to get past this whole surgery thing! Once it's done and over with, I more than likely wont even be focusing on them stitching me back up, what the recovery process will be like, or anything; all my attention will be on the baby girl who just entered this world. And that's the moment I just have to make it to. In the meantime, I know I will have momentary breakdowns, new and sometimes irrational fears, nervousness, anxiety, excitement, and just a huge range of emotions all going on inside me. 

I thank you all for the kind words you have been sending (well, at least most of you - there have been some people who have said some incredibly unbelievable things - but I'll save that for another post) and I appreciate you continuing to keep me, Tony, and baby girl in your thoughts and prayers.