Yesterday Tony went back to work. It was just baby girl and I and we had a good day. We did a lot of sleeping, eating, and pooping (well, that wasnt all me). During pregnancy, I always worried about being alone with her. I was terrified that I wasnt going to take care of her "right" - that I wouldnt be a good mom. You know how they always say, "Your maternal instincts will kick in as soon as your baby is born."? Well, I think it's safe to say that they really did. As soon as I met her, there was an instant comfort. It felt super natural to be around her, to feed her, to hold her, etc. She's a part of me, mine. I think I've said this before but I'll say it again - I honestly feel like I was meant to be a mom, especially now. It just feels so right. Having her feels like it was what Tony and I were meant to do. She means everything to me. I have never in my life experienced a love like this. I know it almost sounds cliche because I'm sure all moms say this; however, I'm just stating how I feel. I'm already so protective; I cant imagine anything bad ever happening to her - it's way too hard to think about so I just dont. But whenever she cries or makes a sad face, I feel so bad! There's nothing even really wrong (she's just hungry or needs a diaper change) and that takes a quick fix and it's all better. But it's like something way worse happened and her sad expressions cut straight to the core. It's crazy. Frankly, I feel I've been pretty laid back over all (I thought I was going to have a lot of anxiety) and even though I'm protective and I have a fierce love for her, I'm laid back in letting people hold her or have Tony take care of her while I take a shower or something. I seriously thought I wasnt going to be able to take my eyes off of her for fear something was going to happen while I wasnt looking, but it's not that way. She's my everything but I'm thinking about things in a positive light instead of focusing on any negative things that could happen. It's just not the way to live. I know things happen and any moment your life could change forever, but now that I have a child, I just want to live in the moment and enjoy all the special times together, as if nothing bad could ever happen. I noticed that I was worried to take her in the car the first few times because I couldnt stand the thought of something happening to her, even accidentally. But I'm training myself not to think that way because it will take up my thoughts and not allow me to enjoy life with her. So I'm not going to sit all day cooped up in the house because "things could happen." Granted, I'm still going to be aware of my surroundings, be protective of her, and use common sense (I want to be the best mother I can possibly be!!!) but I'm going to really try to not be so high strung.
I'm also working on my OCD with neatness and organization..... I have a kid now and I realize there will be messes. I've been doing a lot better than what I used to be like but I still need to work on just letting things go.
This weekend we will be getting some newborn photos taken. Tony has taken a few but we wanted to include us in a few and it's super hard to set the timer with a newborn. She will be 2 weeks old when we take them, which is pushing it, but I want to preserve her newborn-ness. It's super important to me. I want to make sure that we dont miss important things in her life, whether they are pictures, events, appointments, or firsts, because they will pass us by so quickly and we can never get those times back.
Things are still going good - she's up for longer periods at night now so I'm more tired, but she's so precious that I dont mind. She goes to the bathroom and I think it's adorable. I mean, come on. As for nursing, I was so nervous about it before I had her. The idea of it honestly always kind of freaked me out. I know it's a natural thing, but still. Well it turned out to be great and we're doing just fine with it. However, she sometimes is just a silly girl and takes forever to get started. She makes the faces and then basically just opens and closes her mouth without really going for it. She kind of looks at me out of the corner of her eye with what I believe to be a slight smirk on her face, until she finally gives in. So we have to wait that out before she finally eats haha. And she's super strong too! She lifts her head all the time, especially if I'm holding her head up to my head - she pushes back so she can look at me :)
Members from my church have also started to bring us some meals and so we're grateful for that!
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