Unsatisfied.
That's the best word I can use to describe how I've been feeling lately. I dont really know any other way to phrase it. Whatever I do, I'm not ever fully satisfied. I can exercise and nothing. I can sleep and nothing. I can clean (and yes, I usually like that and it makes me feel good to get it done) and nothing. I can go out and do something fun and nothing. I can eat all sorts of different kinds of food and nothing. I can....well, I think you get my point.
I'm not depressed. I think I'm just at that point where I cant do a lot of things that my other friends and family are doing and because I cant participate, it bums me out. I'm sick of looking pregnant, too - feeling it and not being physically active and go go go like I was before. I'm sick of dressing pregnant because there's hardly anything cute (it's all about comfort) so I always end up feeling bigger than maybe I actually even am. And I'm sick of catering to being pregnant. I hope this doesnt make me sound like a bad mother figure or anything, but truthfully, I just want to feel energy again! I want to go out and do things besides eating and watching movies. I want to be able to trip over my own clumsy feet and fall down and not have to worry instead of consistently watching and worrying and being oh so careful with everything I do so that hopefully no harm comes to baby. I want to just not care.
Dont get me wrong - creating and caring for this growing child inside me has been an intense experience. It's had it's high highs and low lows and I'm so glad I can say that I get to have this experience (and soon I'll get to say that I lived through it, I conquered it, and Tony and I made a beautiful baby together - which is still so surreal to me). But I just feel so done. I cant imagine how those pregnant teenage girls feel. They are in their prime, growing up and into their looks, and everything changes with pregnancy (for the majority, at least). I'm almost 23 years old and I'm feeling it. I feel like an old person - not my young vibrant self. It may sound selfish (oh, I'm just upset because I'm not skinny blah blah blah) but it's more than that. It's just about my sense of self. I feel slightly disabled in a way; held back. Yes, it's hard to watch my body that I've known and had for 22 years up and change in such a way that I can hardly remember what I looked like before (and that's the truth). But the worst thing is that I cant remember how I felt before all this. I can only think about how I've been feeling for the last 7 months. I'm now in my 8th month and I'm just about done with this whole pregnant thing. I've said it once before and I'll say it again: I havent loved pregnancy. I dont really think it's for me. But then again, I know others who have had such problems throughout and I havent had nearly any (except for being so sick and just feeling physically exhausted - at least, nothing else yet). I have no idea what my labor and delivery experience will be like. But I do know that this is what I wanted to do my whole life. I have always wanted a child. I have always wanted to be a mother. Always. I am so so blessed to be able to do this and create a child from scratch ;) I know that when I meet her, all of this will flow to the back of my mind and eventually fade away so that it's not even relevant anymore. She will be what's important (as she is now) and she will be my number one priority in life. So while I may not have that pregnant woman's glow or all the "I just adore being pregnant!" opinions, I know that I cant wait to be a mom. It's scary to know that I will have such a big responsibility to care for this little person - to keep her alive and not only be a caretaker but an actual mom as well. Provide for her, take care of her, and raise her to the best of my ability can be daunting but exciting.
So while I feel like 7 weeks (or less) is so far away in terms of still having to deal with feeling unsatisfied, I also realize how short a time it really is before we are parents for the rest of our lives and everything changes.
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