Blended. That's my family. One big group of blended craziness. When I was 6, I experienced my first major tragedy. My mom passed away from cancer. She had a brain tumor. I know I was young but it deeply affected me. I honestly don't remember much of my mom. I remember Disneyland, birthday parties, and the boots she gave me, which I still have. I remember Full House and The Price is Right. I remember horses. I remember her being sick. Very sick. I remember being at Kelsey Evans' house and making her get-well cards. I remember the hospital. I remember the smells, the sounds, the knowledge that she would probably die. And it's unfortunate that what I remember most about my time with her was the negative side of things where everything started to go downhill. And it hurts my heart to think about what things would have been like had she remained alive. On that fateful day in September, my dad lost a wife and my brother and I lost a mother.
My parents, Lyndon and Tanna, had me, a daughter, and my brother Travis, a son. Travis and I immediately became very close to my mom's parents, our beloved grandparents, Bill and Edith. And we remain extremely close to this day. I don't know what I would do without them. After my mom passed away, we lived with them for a while because my dad had to work. One day, my dad told us he had met someone very special. Her name was Cheryl and as it turned out, she would later become our step-mom. After dating for a little while, my dad asked her to marry him. She obviously accepted. At the time, I thought it was way too soon for everybody involved and to this day, I still feel that way somewhat. Maybe a little bit more time would have helped my step-mom and I develop a better relationship. I feel like since I was so young, I was kind of thrown into the whole situation without much of an option. Had I been a little older, I might have understood more of what was going on and maybe would have had more time to be comfortable with her in my own terms and fully understand what was going to happen. She already had 3 kids of her own so Travis and I gained 2 older sisters, Tera and Karissa, and 1 older brother, Erik. It was nice to have more kids to play with but to look at it in terms of being a "family," well, I just couldn't fathom that quite yet. A lot of it probably went right over my head or maybe I just didn't focus too long on it but I let everything slide and went along with all that was happening. We ended up moving all of us out to a bigger new house. I remember feeling weird that day but also excited. Maybe this would be pretty cool. Everything was fine for a while....until I started having nightmares and thoughts of my mom when I was about 11. I think that's when it really hit me. I questioned everything. I asked why did she have to die, why my dad had to get married again, why everything was different. It was a very hard time for me emotionally. I eventually got over that but I think my relationship with my step-mom was seriously cracked then. It's never really fully been repaired either. I think it was due to a few things: I feel like I was a daddy's girl and all of a sudden my step-mom was his new girl; I didn't want anyone to take my mom's place; and I think sometimes my dad would take my side on some things and my mom would get jealous of it. And I have made mistakes in my life, due to these feelings, things I wish I could take back. I think I exhibited that behavior to get my dad's attention. Yes, I know that wasn't the way to go about it but maybe that was MY way of going about it. I have grown up a lot since those days now and I have learned to come to terms with how our family is and I have accepted it. No more reacting in an inappropriate way. I hope everyone knows how sorry I am for some rough times I have put people through but by going through a couple things in the past 2 years myself, I have figured out a lot of why I behaved that way. I have moved on from those things and I'm ready to just have a nice life now. Those are my thoughts. Anyway, I spent as much time as I could at my grandparent's house after our family mixed together because that is where I felt most comfortable and safe. There was a lot going on behind the scenes that I won't get into here but it was stuff going on between all of us siblings.
So that's 3 grief-stricken individuals coupled with 4 people looking for stability with 2 youngins thrown into the mix to make one big group of 9 well-knit characters! Some days it's hard, some days it's wonderful, but no matter what, I feel blessed to have the family I do.
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